Grandmother Say What?

If my life is a soap opera, then my family is from a sitcom.

I say this out of love and affection for my extended immediate family. Extended immediate, you ask? What does that mean? Well, my extended immediate family goes beyond that of my only child formula of my mom, dad and myself. It includes the grandparents, my aunt, her two girls and the newest addition to our family, my brand new Uncle R. This was Uncle R's "official" welcoming to the family, as he had yet to really celebrate a holiday with us in his new role of husband. Sure, he came on Easter but really that didn't count because he had yet to commit to the family. Now, he's sort of bound to us all by law, and before he could just walk out if he found our family too much. Now, it will take a lawyer, a judge and a courtroom to get him out, and quite frankly, none of us want that because we like him too much.

The joke is that our family reminds us of "Everybody Loves Raymond." Rarely do we get together when someone doesn't leave mad at someone else, someone doesn't get upset at something my grandmother said, and that the comparison between our family and the Barone's doesn't come up.

Think of Ray's mother on "Everybody Loves Raymond." Now pretend she has gray hair, wire glasses and has lost about 100 pounds. She is my grandmother. She says whatever is on her mind, regardless of whether or not your feelings will get hurt. She doesn't mean to hurt your feelings. She just says what's on her mind, out of love, and she feels that this is all perfectly acceptable because, as she will tell you, she is "up there and years and have earned the right to be honest." And brutally honest at that.

Thus her declaring to everyone at lunch yesterday that, I, her 24 year old eldest granddaughter, is an old maid.

An old maid. At 24.

The conversation was held between Gma, A, and myself. I shall provide you with a simple script of the dialogue.

Gma: A, you've got what...3 years left in school? It's about time you start finding you a husband isn't it?
A: (look of shock) Excuse me?
Gma: I mean, K here wasted her time in college.
K: Excuse me? I "wasted" my time in college.
Gma: Yes ma'am. Just wasted your time. A, you just need to walk up to a cute guy on the sidewalk and say "Hello. What's your name?"
A: Oh my God.
Gma: Don't swear. Look, you have to have someone to take care of you when you get old. And at this rate, this one here (she says pointing at me) isn't going to have anyone to take care of or take care of her when she gets old. Now you don't want that do you?

At this point, I don't know what shocks me more: the fact that my grandmother thinks I did nothing during my four years in college or the fact that she basically wants A to prostitute herself.

Taking his attention off the afternoon baseball game, my grandfather then hears the conversation, which is quite ironic considering he can't hear much at all and that most of his sentences are preceded with the word "Huh?" But he looks at me sternly and says, "Well, K and A, if you are smart, you won't get married at all. Don't get married when you are 20. Don't get married when you are 40. Don't get married when you are 60. You'll be better off. Trust me." And then, immediately taking himself out of the conversation, he turns back to his television.

At that exact moment, I truly felt like I was being sucked into a television series. Because I could NOT believe I was having that conversation.

Poor brand new Uncle R. He has NO idea what he has married into.